In Lalalaletmeexplain‘s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week’s column, simply continue reading…

Dear Lala,

My partner is a gambling addict and I don’t know what to do anymore. He is self excluded from casinos and we have implemented GamBlock, though he now just uses fruit machines. He goes to the pub to gamble, which in his own time I accept, but when we are out he leaves me to go on them knowing I hate them.

The issue is when he is drunk or has had a drink – he can’t just have one drink he has to have several – alcohol leads to bad decisions. He says it’s not my money so why am I bothered, but that’s besides the point for me. I want to be able to go out and have a few drinks, but it’s not possible as it ends in disaster due to me being left alone so he can go off and get on the fruit machines.

We’ve been together for three years but don’t live together. I have children from a previous abusive relationship so I decided I won’t live with another man whilst they’re young. I’m honestly at my wits’ end and losing the plot Googling addiction, what to do, what I can do to help and how to stop it.

Lala says…

It’s not your job or responsibility to help or stop it, it’s his. Being in a relationship with an addict of any form is incredibly difficult. The seriousness of gambling addiction is often overlooked and taken less seriously than addiction to drink and drugs but its impact is equally as destructive. Gambling addiction ruins lives, it ruins the life of the addict and it can destroy those around them, especially if their addiction leads to lies and deceit and things like losing homes, stealing joint savings or committing crimes to support their habit. Addicts are not bad people, they are ill, they are living with a life altering disease. But that illness can lead them into bad actions that destroy the lives of those closest to them. It can get very serious.

It sounds like the main way in which it’s impacting on your relationship is that you feel neglected when he favours fruit machines over time spent with you on nights out, despite knowing how much it bothers you. He uses drink to excuse his gambling. It appears that his alcohol use is also problematic. He probably needs to address both the alcohol and gambling. My dad was a serious gambling addict and when he stopped he turned into a serious alcoholic, because when he stopped gambling he never addressed the root cause that led to the addiction in the first place.

It’s great that he’s self-excluded and implemented gamblock, but that’s clearly not stopping him from gambling, it’s lip service. He needs to be engaging with a gambling support service. I would particularly recommend Gamblers anonymous meetings for him and while he’s there you could get support from Gam-Anon meetings at the families meeting. Nothing helped me understand how to deal with gambling addiction in my family more than Gam-anon. And Gamcare provides a 24/7 support line that your partner can contact for support. There are a lot of resources available to help him to address his addiction, but he has to want to. He won’t stop until he is ready and there is little you or anyone else can do about it. Ultimatums don’t work with addicts.

If you do intend to stay with him and eventually live together when your children are older then I would urge you to protect your finances. Don’t put him on your tenancy or mortgage, don’t have joint accounts, take responsibility for household finances, don’t give him access. If someone is serious about stopping gambling then they have to make huge sacrifices and handing over financial control to a partner can help. Gamblers can lie and steal, often with good intentions, they believe they’ll make back their losses and then it spirals and gets worse and they tell more lies. You have to protect your assets and earnings to the nth degree.

But I’ll be very honest, I wouldn’t tolerate this from a partner. I wouldn’t date an addict unless they were far down the line of recovery, very far. He’s in active addiction and it’s starting to impact your relationship. There is a lot of room for both of his addictions to escalate and he is not currently doing any work to stop. I think you’re taking a risk by staying with him.

Gambling addicts can recover and change but they have to do the work themselves. We must not enable them, enabling just prolongs the addiction. I think that addicts deserve love and compassion and recovered addicts can make great partners, but he’s not a recovered addict, he’s a raging addict. You can’t help and you can’t stop it – do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who desperately needs to change and won’t? I’d walk away. But if you do stay you have to set extremely clear boundaries, protect yourself, and ensure that you get support yourself, preferably from Gam-Anon or similar.

It can feel cruel to leave someone who is in active addiction, but you are a mother and you need to put yourself and the stability of your family first. Being the one doing all the work to try to help him means you’ve effectively taken on another child. He needs to do the work himself. Help yourself, protect your finances and set extremely clear boundaries, especially when you’re out together. And stop going to the pub and hoping for a different outcome. Go out and do different activities. Avoid the pub for nights out, do something where there’s no alcohol and slot machines. Get clear and serious and very boundaried. This would worry me very much though, it’s precarious. It’s making you anxious. What’s the point for you other than trying to rescue him?

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues in this story you can contact National Gambling Helpline for free 24 hours a day, seven days days a week on 0808 8020 133