Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 16-year-old son, “Kevin.” Kevin plays on his school’s chess team, and he’s pretty serious about the game, to the point where he’s usually practicing some puzzle or going over a previous game during his free periods at school. That apparently attracted the notice of one of his school’s music teachers, “Mr. V,” who wanted to play … and then wanted to put money on the game.

Long story short, Kevin won five games in a row, netting a bit over $200 dollars from Mr. V by the time his free period ended, and he was very pleased with himself. Kevin got the next part of the story secondhand, and I’m getting it from him, so I’m not 100 percent sure what happened. But apparently, Mr. V is in some local, fly-on-the-wall band, and they were scheduled to perform a gig that evening after he was done with his work in the school. The money Kevin won from him was supposed to be their gas money to get to the venue, and he had just squandered it. There was apparently a huge fight in the school parking lot (Kevin isn’t sure if it got physical or not; there are apparently a lot of rumors flying around), but it was a definite disturbance, and Mr. V has since been suspended from his teaching duties and everyone is sure he’s getting the boot.

Kevin thinks the whole thing is kind of funny. I’m not amused. I’m not thrilled to find out he’s been gambling at all, especially against grown men. On the other hand, I’m not sure how to get to a message of “this is for your own protection” when things turned out great for him, and all the problems came to the person supposedly in the secure position of power. And on top of that, his lack of empathy for a man who clearly has some kind of gambling issue also concerns me. How do I get through to him?

—Gambling Concerns

Dear Gambling,

Since the school is already taking action against Mr. V for this extremely unprofessional behavior, we can leave that aside. As for Kevin, first, you need to let him know that he’s entirely too young to be gambling and that if you find out he’s doing it again, he’ll face some sort of consequences—perhaps the loss of his ability to participate on the chess team. Let him know that gambling is a dangerous habit that can become an addiction, which is likely what Mr. V is coping with. This time around, he won, but there are no guarantees in gambling, and he could find himself losing out big time. Would he, at least in the abstract, have been prepared to pay this man $200? Talk to him about the fact that many gamblers drive themselves into deep debt, losing homes, cars, and even their families as a result of their problem.

Cite Mr. V as a prime example of the trouble with gambling. There’s no reason that a grown man should be playing chess against a child for money, unless they were in some sort of tournament.
Ask him to look at the consequences his teacher has faced as a result of their game: He lost money that he couldn’t afford to lose, he got into a fight, and he very well may lose his job. Explain to him that Mr. V likely has a gambling problem, which led him to do something very irresponsible with a student whom he was supposed to guide. Tell him that though what this man did was wrong, he should have some empathy for him; it’s possible that he simply can’t stop himself from gambling. Check in regularly with Kevin and ask him if he’s been playing chess for money. Pay attention to his purchases and make sure that he’s not coming home with things he shouldn’t be able to afford.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 24-year-old lesbian woman who can’t stop thinking about her biological clock, and I don’t understand why. I do want to have kids someday, but I’m not particularly attached to them being mine biologically, so I don’t understand why I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I only have a little more than 10 years to have a biological child before it gets “complicated.” This is particularly bizarre because I was never going to be able to have biological children without medical intervention anyway! Any insight into why this might be freaking me out?

—Confused Queer

Dear Confused,

According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, women’s “peak” years for fertility are between the late teens and the late 20s. Your body may be sending you messages that you’re ready for a baby because physically, you very well may be at your readiest. When I was your age, way back when, I started experiencing “baby fever,” even though I knew I didn’t want a child yet. Furthermore, it’s not impossible that you’ve been influenced by societal messages that tell us that women need to become mothers by the age of 30. It’s completely normal to obsess over fertility when you’re taught that it’s something you can’t take for granted. If you know anyone with a baby, you may find that hanging around them could help curb these urges (or, well, make them stronger). Just keep reminding yourself that you’ve got as much time as you need and that you’ll become a mother—however you end up choosing to do it—when you’re good and ready.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 7-year-old son, “James,” is generally a sweet, thoughtful boy. However, for two years in a row when we have discussed the meaning behind Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, he has made some disturbing comments. Both times he told me that he doesn’t like people with different skin colors than himself. I try hard to maintain open communication with him and I’d hate to discourage him from being forthright with me in what could be a teachable moment, so I had no idea how to respond. Especially disturbing is the fact that he has said this twice, a year apart, leading me to believe it’s something he truly feels and not just a repetition of something he overheard outside of our home. I said something like “You’re not allowed to treat anyone unkindly because of the way they look.” This response feels so lacking, and I’m afraid I have a closet racist kid on my hands, but I don’t know how to fix it. Please help.

—Not Raising a Racist

Dear Not Raising,

Beloved, you are raising a racist. Your son first made these comments last year, and you took no steps to intervene. A lot of parents seem to believe that if they don’t say disparaging things about people of color, somehow, their children will be without prejudice. We are living in a society that privileges White people at every turn and marginalizes people of color; there non-Black people of color who actively participate in anti-Black racism as well. You have to actively teach kids not to be racist, because there’s messaging all around them telling them otherwise. Children your son’s age have already begun to draw conclusions about members of other racial groups and may form biases, as he has.

Your son is old enough to learn about societal inequities faced by people of color, and about the history of oppression that Black people have endured in this country. A Kids Book About Racism is an easy place to start, and it’s written in language that a 7-year-old can understand. Black, White, and Beyondis a bit more comprehensive and delves deeper into the impact of racism. Anti-Racism Starts with Me is a coloring book that will help drive these lessons home in a fun way. You should also teach your son about the civil rights leader whose holiday spurned his comments. There are many great children’s books about Dr. King; Martin’s Big Wordsis a beautifully illustrated biography and My Daddy, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. helps to further humanize King by describing him as not just an activist, but a father. In terms of resources to help you drive your conversations with your son about race, I would recommend How to Raise an Anti-Racist and Raising Anti-Racist Children.

Talk to your son and find out who are these “people with different skin colors” that he doesn’t like. Is he referring to children in his class? Neighbors? A teacher? Ask him why he feels that way and if he’s ever heard anyone talk badly about people of different races; if there’s a family member or friend who has been saying racist things in his presence, you want to find out who they are. Tell him to consider how he might feel if people didn’t like him because of his skin color. Make sure he’s reading books and watching TV shows and movies that feature people of color as protagonists. If his school and/or community aren’t terribly diverse, take him to places where he’ll see people of different races and consider enrolling him in a class, say at a YMCA, where he can interact with children who don’t look like him.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I live in a nearby city to my parents, sister, and nieces and nephew. I am close with my parents, but I cannot recall a relaxing family gathering in the past 10 or more years where there wasn’t a screaming match between my sister and my nieces. Now that the kids are all in their early to mid-20s, it is starting to get to the point where I don’t think they will ever get past this, and it’s like being in a room with a couple that constantly puts each other down and yells at each other right in front of you. All this to say, that I think I am officially DONE spending time with my family. I don’t want to be a mediator, I don’t want to have one of them preaching at me why the other one is evil, and I don’t want to have to talk my parents through the trauma of getting yelled at by my nieces as well (it’s like walking on eggshells the whole time, and anyone can be a target of their vitriol).

So here is my question, what is the best way to just say, “I’m not doing this anymore” and just bow out of the family get-togethers? I worry that I am going to break my parents’ hearts and that this will make my sister feel even more isolated (the kids live with her so she never gets a break from their anger). Should I book a vacation every holiday, or lie and say that I am going with my partner to his family’s house? Should I tell my parents what is going on and just plan times to visit with them when my sister and her kids aren’t there?

—Avoiding Family Drama

Dear Avoiding,

“I’m not doing this anymore” is an excellent way to tell your parents that you won’t be party to your sister and nieces’ drama-fests going forward. Explain that their antics make family gatherings too unpleasant and that you just can’t take it. It may be hard for them to accept this, but on some level, they’ll have to understand. I’m sure they are sick of the madness themselves. For the next holiday, plan time to celebrate with your parents when your sister and her children aren’t there. If it’s easier, yes, you can say that you’ll be with your partner’s family on the actual holiday itself. In terms of helping your sister feel less isolated, schedule visits with her apart from her children and make sure that you’re talking to her on a regular basis. If you have a relationship with your nieces, make time to connect with them separately from their mother.

—Jamilah