Q I am in my mid-70s and, three years ago, on my husband’s death, I discovered that he had got us massively into debt because of a secret gambling addiction. I had to sell the house and would have been homeless had it not been for my elder sister, also a widow, who kindly said I could stay with her. 

I have no children myself, but her lovely daughter, my niece, lived nearby and we all felt like a happy family. However, my sister died suddenly five months ago and I’m feeling overwhelmed by grief. Now my nephew, her son, who is like his late father – an unpleasant, arrogant drunk – is demanding

I move out. Thankfully, my sister (a retired solicitor) had the foresight to change her will, giving me the right to live in her house until my death, so he has no legal power to force me out. However, he says that I am a freeloader staying in a house that is legally half his and that I must leave so that it can be sold. My niece says to ignore him, but I’m not sleeping and feel ill because of the stress.

A You have had to cope with a very upsetting series of events and are now being bullied by your own flesh and blood. 

Firstly, it must have been devastating to find out only after your husband’s death that he had a major gambling addiction – along with the fact that he was perhaps quite different to the man you thought you knew. Then you lost your home and now you are also grieving for your sister. Your nephew sounds greedy and heartless and, yes, if your brother-in-law was like this, too, perhaps the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. 

Sadly, most fall-outs after a death are to do with money. I wonder if his outbursts usually occur when he has been drinking and if, indeed, he has an alcohol problem like his father. Perhaps he has financial difficulties and is worried about money, but please don’t let him make you feel guilty. You and your sister were clearly very close and she wanted you to have peace of mind in your final years – therefore he should be respectful of her wishes. 

Thank goodness your niece is helping you stand up to him, but I think you need further support. Your nephew’s behaviour might even be classed as harassment, so do contact a solicitor and ask them for advice. 

It could be that a sharp warning letter to your nephew spelling out your legal rights might make him back down. But you also need help to cope with the emotions surrounding this. You are still grieving for your sister and your husband so please reach out to a charity such as cruse.org.uk or mariecurie.org.uk for bereavement counselling. 

Also see your GP as well as talking to a pharmacist for help with sleeping. Anyone affected by this letter concerning a loved one’s gambling addiction can get help from gamcare.org.uk.

Should I move in with him if there’s no spark?

Q I am a divorced woman in my late 50s and for the past 18 months have been dating a really lovely man. We have so many shared interests and he’s kind, amusing and intelligent, plus I get on well with his adult children and mine really like him. But unlike my former husband, who was not as nice a person, I feel no spark or passion, although I know he feels that way about me. 

Now he’s asked me to move in with him and, being successful in business, he has a beautiful home. I’m torn because I don’t want to lose him, but don’t know if I should hold out for more.

I also don’t want to give him false hope if I change my mind.

A I can hear an army of women queuing up behind you, saying, ‘If you don’t want him, I’ll have him!’ However, I know it’s not so simple because, without that spark, even a kind, loving relationship can be unsustainable. So you need to examine why this is missing. 

Maybe he isn’t right for you, or perhaps something is holding you back. Were you badly hurt by your ex, so subconsciously you won’t allow yourself to fall in love? Perhaps you are attracted to ‘bad boys’ – you say you felt that passion for your ex even though he was not a nice person. This may suggest a troubled childhood, perhaps with a difficult, aggressive father. 

Maybe your parents had huge rows and then very loving reconciliations – and so, for you, that became the norm. You might have internalised a pattern of thinking in which love has to be turbulent or it isn’t love.

I suggest exploring this alone in counselling. Try relate.org.uk. If you decide to move in, please do so for the right reasons and not the house or lifestyle.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_. Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally